You Can Get Whatever You Want // Variant Perception #40

As a new parent, the most significant change has been the feeling that a hand grenade got tossed into my “ideal life.” My ability to structure my life around meeting specific preferences got blown to smithereens.

Do you know of any new parents who get everything they want? Probably not. Many only get the bare minimum. Some get none.

I’m getting less sleep, seeing fewer friends, being less productive, and existing in more complexity. None of these choices would be my preference.

However, raising Hawk has been one of the most extraordinary periods of my life. Raising a child, a first child (I can only do this for the first time once in my life), truly is the most magical experience. Yet, it’s also paired with the obliteration of the preferences I once perceived as fundamental to that happiness.

This leaves me to think: how many preferences stand in the way of living a fulfilling life? My guess is many. Because what ultimately brings fulfillment (partnership, service, generosity, faith) almost always comes at the cost of your preferences. Getting married and bringing a life partner in requires a compromise in preference. Kids do the same, just times 1,000.

How much of the chart below is driven by modern life, allowing someone to create their day-to-day existence to revolve wholly around their perceived preferences?

People my age are having kids later, and some choose not to have any kids at all. How much of that choice is driven by the belief that kids “cost” too much regarding the preferred way someone wants to live their life?

A great example was this cringe video circulating featuring a young couple self-identifying as “DINKs” — dual income, no kids.

It’s a strange world where I can’t tell how sarcastic the couple in the video is being. Going out to eat whenever you want, buying whatever snacks you want, and going to as many football games as you want is a perfect example of someone creating a life, dare I say personality, around what they get to do versus the depth of those experiences.

Humans excel at defining their preferences. It’s alluring to create an identity around them. I LOVE Indian food. I HATE country music. If I don’t run 6 miles a day, I’ll go crazy.

Taken a step further, we believe our preferences are essential, even necessary, to creating a pleasant reality. When our preferences go unmet, our lives become worse.

Except when taken too far, our preferences become a stone wall surrounding our life experiences. Rigid preferences limit growth, serendipity, and novelty.

The young couple in the video above. Are they creating a life built around shallow preferences or optimizing for what they love? Only time will tell.

A life built around preferences can only take a person so deep into the human experience. My hypothesis is that the most profound depths ultimately become accessible only after we give up many of our preferences. I see the decline in marriage and birth rate as a symptom of our culture caring more about life meeting every preference while shutting doors to anything not “ideal.”

Humans are excellent at creating preferences that don’t matter. We’re terrible at knowing which preferences create the root conditions for fulfillment.

Recognizing the difference between the two can be the change between using our preferences to grow and flourish versus using them to trap ourselves in a limited existence.

Compound this trend into the future. What will happen when artificial intelligence and virtual/augmented reality can create your “ideal” world based on your existing preferences? Is that a better existence?

That world is coming. A world where everything gets explicitly tailored to what you tell yourself you desire. But remember, what’s most valuable in life requires giving up on those preferences and not getting everything exactly as you want.

-Jared

P.S. One of my favorite books about how our preferences can control our reality is The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer. It’s a fascinating and entertaining biography about what can happen when you release all your preconceived preferences.

P.P.S. This doesn’t only apply to choosing to have kids versus not having kids, like everything in life. This is what works for me.