Silken Slippers // Variant Perception #50
What’s the meme about hard times?
As Voltaire said, “History is filled with the sound of silken slippers going downstairs and wooden shoes coming up.”
Both observations speak to an inherent truth about the human experience: overcoming adversity creates resilience. Resilient people form the bedrock of a stable social society.
I attended a talk last week, and the speaker shared a story about the founder of Gym Shark, Ben Francis, England’s youngest billionaire, and how he wrestles with raising resilient children in intense privilege. Ben did not grow up a billionaire, so how does he effectively use his resources without spoiling his children?
While Ben’s story exaggerates what many other parents may experience, this question impacts culture. Compared to 100 years ago, many more people today live in privilege. Privilege manifests as existential angst and lack of capacity to face challenges.
Research published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies seems to back up this claim, showing children raised in privileged environments often struggle with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse compared to their peers - perhaps due to a lack of opportunities to develop resilience through overcoming adversity.
Overcoming adversity is fundamental to becoming a reliable, capable, and resilient adult. So, how can parents raise their children in privilege without damaging them?
Parents must learn to manufacture adversity for their children to increase their resilience.
The Pitfall of Recreating Personal Struggles
Some parents, recognizing this challenge, attempt to recreate their own life experiences for their children. "I'm not going to give my children anything," they declare. "They need to bootstrap their lives just like I did." This approach, while well-intentioned, fails to recognize an important truth: it’s impossible to fully recreate the struggles and adversity that led to the parents’ success. Wealthy parents cannot use the resources they’ve earned while hiding them from their children without appearing incongruent to the children. Moreover, resources can be used to curate adversity for personal growth and accelerate the children’s growth far beyond what the parents could achieve.
Choosing Your Hard: The Concept of Manufactured Adversity
Ballet dancer Misty Copeland popularized the concept of "Choose your hard" - acknowledging that while life will always present challenges, we can engage with life to select which challenges we face. Rather than attempting to recreate past hardships or shelter children from all difficulties, parents can thoughtfully curate challenging experiences that build character while aligning with their children's dispositions.
Service and Empathy
While most parents may think of making their children get a job, pay their bills, or earn their way (which all 100% develop character), I believe there’s a far more powerful and lesser-known method among entrepreneurs and the financially privileged.
Consider a family that regularly opens its home to refugees, abuse survivors, kids with special needs, and elderly individuals without family support.
Their children grow up witnessing real struggles and hearing directly from the individuals going through them. They cannot escape feeling the gap between their own experience and what they’re observing. This gap translates into perspective, where gratitude has the opportunity to enter. This emotional adversity creates a solid chance to build perspective around the privilege that the children live in.
Developing empathy and perspective is a critical side of the equation. Another side of the equation is the knowledge, capacity, and desire to accomplish hard things. Privilege does not protect someone from experiencing hardship. Now, of course, it’s not the same hardship someone who does not have financial resources faces, but that does not discount the impact on the individual.
The Balance of Privilege and Growth
Some might argue that manufacturing adversity is artificial and won't prepare children for real-world challenges. However, thoughtfully chosen challenges can provide valuable life skills that translate to any situation. The key difference between natural and manufactured adversity is that parents can ensure appropriate challenges and support systems are in place. Parents can act as safety nets and coaches—offering guidance and emotional support while letting their children fully experience the challenge. This creates a controlled environment where failure is both possible and survivable.
Different children may benefit from different types of manufactured adversity:
- A month-long solo backpacking adventure for the introspective teenager
- A summer of door-to-door sales for the socially confident child
- Training for a marathon for the physically driven youth
- Starting and running a small business for the entrepreneurial spirit
Creating resilient children in privileged environments doesn't require denying them the benefits of their parents' success. Instead, by thoughtfully manufacturing adversity through service, personal challenges, and family culture, parents can provide their children with comfort and character-building experiences. The goal isn't to recreate our struggles but to help our children develop the tools they'll need to face life's challenges.
Stay Resilient,
Jared