No uh uh // Variant Perception #38

In my experience, words are one of the most powerful ways to shift an emotional state. Usually, it’s other people’s words. When someone shares praise or gratitude for something you’ve done that’s positively impacted them, you beam with joy. If someone’s feedback hits too close to home, we shrink and feel defeated.

Words can be powerful. Words create wars.

However, humans do not carefully choose most of the words they speak or any of the words they think.

William Levelt, in the book Speak: From Intention to Articulation, argues that “most of the components underlying the production of speech… function in a highly automatic, reflex-like way.”

Most people would agree they cannot freestyle rap but then have a conversation without thinking about the words they’re saying.

As a kid, I used to say “No, uh uh” all the time. I had zero idea I repeated this phrase until I was picked on. Then, as soon as it was brought to my attention, I noticed it happening. I was incredibly embarrassed and stopped.

Word choice, vocabulary, and language come from what previous language we’ve been exposed to, mostly from whoever we’ve spent the most time with. The language we inherit creates our map of understanding the world.

Much of the time, we can inherit unkind language.

A friend of mine was going through some health challenges. No matter what he did, he would always fall off the wagon within a few weeks. He couldn’t keep the habit of eating clean and exercising.

We were hanging out one night and chatting about it. He decided that he needed to hold himself to a higher standard. As he shared, I noticed he wasn’t being kind to himself. He was shaming himself for not achieving the standard.

I asked if I could share something I noticed and give feedback. I shared how I see he’s not being kind to himself as he’s struggling.

Blank slate. He couldn’t see how he was being unkind to himself. We sat for an hour or so and talked about it. He would repeat phrases such as “I need to be better” or “I’m not doing enough.” I would reflect to him how those words can amplify the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt he may already be feeling.

He would repeat, “No, I’m just holding myself to a higher standard.”

Eventually, I broke through. He realized that holding himself to a higher standard could be done in a kind and unkind way.

Instead of “I need to be better,” he could instead shift his language to say “I can be better” or “I can do more,” which encourages his strength rather than shames him for not reaching some artificial standard. I’m happy to say that he’s now in great shape, has lost weight, and gained muscle, and I’ll take full credit for this achievement, of course 😁

Words matter. Most of the time, words fall out of our mouths. We repeat phrases. We begin sentences without thinking about where they’re going.

We don’t choose most words to describe ourselves, our reality, and others.

They’re repeated from what we’ve heard in our environment. Our parents, siblings, friends, and teachers help us shape our language. That language then creates our map of reality and a picture of our self-worth.

If I casually say, “Ugh, I’m so stupid,” even if I don’t register that as negative or harmful, it reinforces an unkind behavior. From a Buddhist perspective, our capacity to be kind to others is limited by our ability to be kind to ourselves.

Retraining our default language to become more kind takes work. It takes conscious effort, no different than training a muscle. It starts with building awareness of the words we use to describe our reality. Pay close attention to the words that slip out without thinking and your internal dialog.

Over time, you notice the patterns and can better understand the language you’ve inherited. Then, you can choose which parts to keep and which parts, the unkind parts, to shift.

-Jared