Do You Actually Know What You Want? // Variant Perception #41

2024 is the fourth year where I’ve done some form of annual review and next year's intention setting.

Jesse Itzler has a quote that solidifies the value of why it’s essential to take up this practice. He says, “We all have a limited number of summers on this planet. Make them all count.” I’m 32. I feel like most of my life is still ahead of me, and I plan to make each year count. That means designing my life as best as I can within the bounds of what I can control.

However, in the past, I’ve made the process more complex than necessary. Like many other people, I have not had the best sense of what moves the needle for me. What goals do I set that create memories I’ll cherish when I’m 85? What new hobbies do I invest my time in today to reap the rewards in 20 years?

Instead of drilling down to what those essential outcomes would be, I would “spray and pray” with my goals.

What that ended up looking like was setting 39 goals in 2023…

It’s excessive, far too many. Plus, of the 39 goals, I completed 12 of them.

But, out of the 12 goals, only three made a significant difference that will impact my life in 10 years.

1) Getting more consistent with writing this newsletter.

I’ve struggled to create a more consistent writing practice and overcome the insecurity of publishing my ideas online. Each year, I set a writing goal I did not accomplish. In 2023 I got over that hump. Big congratulations to me!

The big secret that helped me overcome that resistance is that I only decided to write for myself. I reduced all the decision-making to just writing whatever came to my mind. Reducing all expectations to almost zero helped me just to hit send. I don’t know where the journey will take me, but I’m here for the ride.

2) Journal consistently throughout the year

My favorite journaling practice is from a book titled The Artist’s Way. In the morning, I write one page in my journal with no outline, no purpose, just writing whatever comes up. It takes me ~20 minutes, and I write about whatever random thoughts or big emotions are in my mind. There has not been another practice I’ve had that has helped to create more awareness and growth in my life than writing one single page in the morning. Not meditation, not breathwork, not therapy, or coaching. It works wonders for me at this point in my life.

3) Shift the center of gravity of my day-to-day existence towards patience, kindness, curiosity, and joy.

This might be a surprising one for anyone who knows me personally. Many people might already think that’s how I am. And I agree. These qualities feel authentic to who I am when I am at my best. However, I’ve had to work hard to make these my default states, especially in response to the typical stresses of life. I desire to be unflappable. Even in the strongest winds of life’s stresses, I show up with patience, kindness, curiosity, and joy. I can’t think of a better way to serve my family than to be iron-willed in this way.

I view this more as allowing myself to be patient or kind when my mind jumps to react. The more I could calm that initial reaction, the better I could keep my more joy-filled perspective.

All the other 36 goals didn’t matter when I compare them to the impact of achieving these three goals.

For 2024, I’m approaching my goal-setting in a new way by building on my last year's success. Instead of asking myself, “What do I want done?” Instead, I asked myself, “How do I want to feel?”

The idea for setting goals this way comes from Danielle LaPorte. Instead of reaching for the “things” or activities I “want” (or, in my case, THINK I want), I’m working backward. I ask myself, “How do I want to feel?” and then create outcomes that support those feelings.

My idea is that I already am living a life that feels amazing. I have lots of healthy behaviors. I understand myself well. I have a healthy self-image of who I am. I’ve proven that I can achieve most things I set my mind to.

So, what I’m correcting in 2024 is the impulse to overcomplicate and overplan. I’m going to do less but better.

In 2024, I want to feel:

1) Healthy

2) Present

3) Creative

4) In Love

And my goals this year support those four outcomes.

I desire to feel healthy. That means continuing to practice my daily pages, lifting weights, doing yin yoga, sauna, and spending time outside.

I desire to feel present. That means setting boundaries with technology and devices. I have 30-minute timers on Twitter and Instagram. I am creating opportunities for conversations and get-togethers where I lose track of time. I spend time gardening and outside, paying close attention to the craft I participate in.

I desire to feel creative. I believe the experience of creativity lives next to and intertwined with spirituality and the experience of God (or whatever word you choose to resonate with). That means writing, ditching my phone, walking, and taking notes on what I see, think, and feel. Feeling present and healthy both support me in feeling creative.

Finally, I desire to feel in love. I already love my life. That’s something I’ve worked hard to achieve. What I mean by I want to feel in love is that I want that feeling to be at the surface of my everyday experience. I want to let that feeling percolate throughout my routine, regular, mundane life activities, from making coffee to sitting on my bench under my oak tree to nighttime pillow talk. In 2024, I want to get even better at living with my awareness in my heart, in my experience of love, than in my head and my experience of thinking.

The more I think about goal setting and why people tend to fall off the wagon, the more I believe most people don’t know either A) what they want or B) what makes the most significant difference. Inverting the question to “How do I want to feel?” helps me to solve that problem.

-Jared